you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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