You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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