I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Randomize
