You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
handjob tips. give me some.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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