I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
