my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
