dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
