3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
