I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
