I will die if light touches me.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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