I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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