At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
