Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
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