I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
