i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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