I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
