I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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