now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
