youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
