I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
