Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
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