uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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