I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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