last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
