His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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