somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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