does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
