I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
