the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
