sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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