We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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