no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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