I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
