I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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