I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
