my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
