i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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