Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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