i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
