she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
