____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
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