Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
