Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Randomize
