i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
He passed out mid-signature
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
