Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
