the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
