At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
