If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
