Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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