Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
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