Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
