Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
